Gecko Moriah and Da Magic Sparkulz
by Anon Fishy-chan
Summary: A certain ghost princess blackmails a certain shadow lord into seeing a certain movie about sparkly vampires. Most likely crack, probably contains OOC-ness. Rated T for some pervertedness. Also contains OCs, but only for the lulz.


**Disclaimer: **_**One Piece **_**belongs to Eiichiro Oda and not me. There, I said it. **

**MORIAH-SAMA AND DA MAGIC SPARKULZ**

"Mwa ha ha-kish kish kish!"

The famous Shichibukai, "Shadow Lord" Gecko Moriah, was standing in front of his bedroom mirror, attempting to practice his evil laugh, when a high-pitched, girly voice interrupted him.

"Moriah-sama! Your laugh always sounds like you're repeating the word 'quiche'!"

He looked over his shoulder to see none other than one of his underlings, "Ghost Princess" Perona floating behind him.

"Perona! Don't interrupt me when I'm trying to practice my evil laugh!" he grumbled.

"But Moriah-sama! I need you to do something really, really important for me!"

"I'm your leader! You're supposed to be serving me!"

"Please! Can't I at least say what I want you to do?" she whined. Then, Perona pulled the cutest, most diabetes-inducing puppy-dog face that he had ever seen. Moriah's evil heart reluctantly gave in.

"_Fine_. What is it?"

"Can you take me to see a movie?"

"I had a long day. Go with Kumashi instead."

"I have to pay if I go with Kumashi… and if you go with me, then you have to pay. Besides, Dr. Hogbeck told me that you only stole three shadows! How can you call that 'hard'?"

"They were difficult shadows to steal!" retorted Moriah, ignoring what she said about him paying for movies tickets since, at the moment, his pride was more important than his wealth.

"He said you collected them from a little girl, an old man that was feeding pigeons at the park, and a Yorkshire terrier," Perona added.

"Trust me. Yorkies are ferocious beasts inside cute little bodies! If I put a yorkie shadow into the right zombie, it could be a valuable addition to my army!"

"_Right_," she rolled her eyes, "Anyways, back to business. I want you to take me to a movie. '_Twilight_', it's called."

"Oh lord. I've heard about that thing. No."

"PLEEEEEEEEEEASE!" She pulled the puppy-dog face again.

"That's not going to work on me this time!" he snapped.

"Well, if that's the case… then I'm going to have to do something that I was only going to use as a last resort."

Perona, with a mischievous grin, pulled a picture from out of her pocket. It was of a person wearing a lovely Lolita dress that was bedazzled with ribbons, lace, gems and the like. Now, this dress would have looked lovely on Perona, Strawberry Shortcake, Boa Hancock, Ciel Phantomhive, Hizaki, and or maybe, _possibly_ even Sanji. But it was, in the photo, worn by Gecko Moriah. Sure, it was a younger, slimmer, Gecko Moriah, but even in his more youthful days he was certainly not bishonen. After all, One Piece was not one of those mangas where everyone under the age of thirty-five (and quite a few people over it) look like supermodels, and sparkle every three panels.

"WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?" he screamed in a fit of utter rage. Gecko Moriah could not think of any way that she could come the photo of him that some crazy okama took of him on Kamabakka King…Queen…whatever…dom.

To make sure that he did what she said, Perona sent some of her "negative hollow" ghosts at him.

"I wish I died and was born again as a leek so then I could be spun…" he whispered in despair.

"I shall not reveal where I got those photos," she said, "But if you don't go to see the movie with me, than I shall send this photo to all the newspapers I can think of, and maybe even the World Government."

Moriah decided not to test his luck by hoping that she didn't know of any newspapers.

"Alright" he groaned.

* * *

><p>As the Shadow Lord and the Ghost Princess were walking (well, she was floating, actually) to the movie theatre, he asked her a question.<p>

"Why do you always call me 'Moriah-_sama_' if you barely respect me! You blackmailed me! I'm your boss! You use the honorific '-sama' for someone you respect!"

"I respect you," she insisted, "If I _really_ didn't respect you, I would leaked the letter you were going to send to your mother but didn't."

"I have no idea what you are referring to…" Moriah said tensely.

"You know, the one that says 'Dear mother, I am happily working as a used car salesman, and I live with my lovely wife, Gertrude, and my two lovely children, Absalom and Perona. Perona got onto the honour roll at her school…"

"That's enough," he mumbled.

"Seriously!" Perona exclaimed, "I don't even go to school!"

"You should."

"School is not cute! Besides, I wouldn't have time to command the zombie army then! And I learn enough about history from watching _Axis Powers Hetalia_!"

"That's nice," Moriah replied, even though he had not even the slightest idea what "Axis Powers Hetalia" was, since he was a forty-six year-old pirate, and not a female teenage otaku.

* * *

><p>When the two of them got to the theatre, they found that there was a very long line-up.<p>

Moriah angrily stood there for three hours, receiving looks from the occasional bewilder passerby, since he was the only male over the age of 20 in the whole line. Wait… scratch that… he was the only male in the whole line. It did not help him at all that Perona was rambling about, amongst other things, Kuroshitsuji, Baku Baku Factory toys, An Cafe, Tim Burton, and ponies.

After a long, long, long, time, they finally got to the ticket booth.

"So…" muttered the guy working there, who had a name that said 'Dan"), "I'm guessing it's one ticket for you and one for your daughter, sir?"

"She's not my daughter!" Moriah shouted.

"He's not my father!" yelled Perona.

"Please don't tell me she's your girlfriend…"

"Ewww… no!" they yelled in unison.

"Don't you know who I am?" proclaimed Moriah, "I am the great shichibukai, 'Shadow Lord' Gecko Moriah!"

"I thought you look more like Michael Douglas…" Dan responded.

Moriah would've stolen the shadow of this impudent fool, but the man was too weak to be worth the trouble.

"Just give me the tickets already!" he growled, and slammed some beli on the counter.

"Okie doke!" chirped Dan sarcastically, and he handed him the tickets.

The two of them headed into the theatre and handed the usher (who looked quite afraid of Moriah and Perona) their tickets. Moriah had to bend to get into the theatre.

"I think we should sit in the back," he said, "Since I'm over 22 feet tall…"

"But I want to sit in front!" Perona whined,

"If you say so…"

The two of them picked two seats in the front row that were surprisingly not taken. Moriah didn't really care that he might've been blocking someone else's view, since he was _evil_, after all.

They sat through the entire movie, with all its sparkling vampires, shirtless werewolves, more sparkling vampires and… MOAR SHIRTLESS WEREWOLVES! Perona was laughing throughout the entire thing, while Moriah sort of just sat there, starring at the screen without blinking. He didn't even evilly cackle once.

* * *

><p>After it was done, they exited the theatre as inconspicuously as a pink-haired gothic Lolita princess ghost girl and a twenty-two foot tall, fanged, evil overlord could.<p>

"Horohorohoro!" Perona laughed, "That movie was so cheesy!"

Moriah didn't really respond. Well, he might have, actually, but before he could've, they saw a strange girl blocking their path. She was a teenage girl that was rather ordinary looking, but she seemed to an air of rabid ferocity around her.

"MY NAME IS DAZZLE UCHIHA FU BRITANNIA MEYER!" she screamed, "YOU WERE THE AWFUL, HORRIBLE, PERSON WHO BLOCKED MY VIEW OF JACOB'S ABS! PREPARE TO DIE!"

"Why thank you! It's not everyday that people say that up front…" replied Moriah, "wait… did you just say prepare to 'die'?"

"YESH!"

"You cannot kill me! I am the… GREAT! SHADOW! LORD! GECKO! MORIAH! ONE! OF! THE! SEVEN! SHICHIBUKAI…" he took a large breath, "AND! I! WILL! BE! THE! NEXT! PIRATE! KING!"

Dazzle did not seem to be at all intimidated by his angry rant of RAGE or by the fact that he was five times her height.

"I thought you were green and had a British accent…"

"That's it… I'm stealing your shadow!"

"Ummm… Moriah-sama…" Perona interrupted, "Can I fight her? I think if this was a book, it would probably be one of those shonen mangas where girls only fight girls. 'Cause, you know, girls getting beaten up by guys isn't cute. Well, a girl getting beaten up by a girl isn't cute eith—"

"But she insulted me! I must protect my pride!"

"If you say so…"

And with that, Perona wandered off to who-knows-where.

"ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO FIGHT ME?" shouted Dazzle, "I HAVE THE POWERS OF THE GREAT SPARKLE-SPARKLE NO MI!"

"But I have the KAGE-KAGE NO MI! YOUR SPARKLES WILL NOT BE ABLE TO STAND THAT!"

"O RLY?" she said.

Then, Dazzle tripped over nothing and fell cutely to the ground. She started to sparkle, and when she looked up, she gave the most cute, lovable, adorable, _moe_, kawaii-shiny-desu face that Moriah had ever seen in his whole life.

"The cuteness! The sparkles! It's blinding ME!" he wailed.

Before he could hurl over in pain, he heard a voice shout, "Dazzle, I like your shoes!"

Suddenly, the blinding sparkles of doomed ceased to exist.

Perona was standing beside Dazzle, and the two of them seemed to be having a decent conversation.

"Really? You like my shoes? I love your hair! I wish it was pink like yours! What's your name?"

"Perona! Ghost _Princess_ Perona!"

After a few minutes, Dazzle ran off to do… something (Moriah wasn't really listening to their conversation).

"Now that she's gone, I'm going to tell you an interesting story!" Perona exclaimed.

"What?"

"Well you see…"

And so Perona told her story.

* * *

><p><em>As I was walking away from your… errrr… battle… with Dazzle, a strange man approached me. He was tall. Not quite as tall as you, but certainly taller than the average man. He also had an afro. And he was a skeleton. But after seeing so many zombies, I was more surprised about the afro than the fact that he was a skeleton. <em>

_He asked a rude question, even though his tone of voice made it sound like he was asking something perfectly decent and ordinary._

"_Excuse me miss, can I see your panties?" he asked._

_I quickly attacked him with my negative hollow ghosts, and he tried to ward them off with his sword…_

* * *

><p>"With his sword?" Moriah said, "Hmmm… if he's a swordsman, perhaps his shadow could be very useful… do you know where he went?"<p>

"Oh, he's by that tree over there."

Moriah approached the skeleton, Perona following close behind him.

"Oh! Sir!" cried the skeleton, "Please don't be mad that I asked your daughter…"

"She's not my daughter!"

"Please don't tell me she's your girlfriend…"

"Of course not! Don't you know who I am? I'm the great shichibukai, Gecko Moriah!"

"I thought you were shorter…"

"I'm not Gordon Gekko or the Geico Gecko!"

"Who are…"

But before the skeleton could say anything more, Moriah stole his shadow. He and Perona walked away, leaving him to disintegrate in the sunlight.

* * *

><p>When Perona and Moriah got back to the mansion, they parted ways. Moriah went to Dr. Hogbeck's lab to tell him about the shadow he had just stolen, and the strange events that had happened while they were out.<p>

"Dr. Hogbeck! I just stole the shadow of a swordsman! Now we can finally complete the zombie of Ryuuma! Kishkishkishkish!"

"Fosfosfos! That's great!"

Dr. Hogbeck was about to start working on his latest zombie again, when Moriah had another request.

"Can you make a sparkly zombie…?"

"Ummm… why, Moriah-sama?"

"Well you see, I saw this movie about sparkly vampires, and I thought it was quite good, so I decided that I needed a sparkly zombie…"

"BWAHAHAHA!" someone laughed, "You liked _Twilight_?"

Perona's astral projection appeared through the wall, "I heard everything you said! BWAHAHAHA!"

"Isn't your laugh normally 'Horohorohoro'?" Moriah said.

"Yes, but what you said was so hilarious I couldn't laugh properly! Horohorobwahahahaha!"

Dr. Hogbeck joined in with his "Fosfosfosfos!", but no "Kishkishkish" was heard.

And so, a few months later, Perona remembered to ask Mihawk if he wanted to see _New Moon_.

**THE END**

* * *

><p><em>(AN: I promised a friend of mine that I would write this, so now I did. I guess Perona and Moriah (him especially) were pretty out of character, but this is crack, so hopefully that can be excused. XD ) _


End file.
